7 Ideal Traits INFJs and INFPs Look for in a Friend

#1 — Independence and Self-Sufficiency

INFJs and INFPs easily get sucked into caretaking others, and many of us have a long history of codependence. Our ideal friend is someone who thinks for themselves and doesn’t need us to constantly soothe them, reassure them, or help them regulate their dysregulated emotions.

We also admire those who are adept at problem-solving and can handle difficult situations with competence and calm. When we meet someone who we feel chooses to spend time with us because they like being around us, not because they need someone to caretake them, we feel valued and appreciated.

#2 — Empathy

Strong empathy is a natural expression of connection for most INFJs and INFPs. When we meet someone we are interested in, we automatically imagine what life would be like if we walked a mile in their shoes. We don’t have to try to do this, it just spontaneously happens. We often think about how other people must feel, what they are struggling with, and how they could be helped in some way.

Because this is such a natural and spontaneous expression of care for us, we can forget that it’s not like this for everyone. We can easily be hurt, or experience bewilderment or confusion, when faced with non-empathetic people, because we don’t understand why they are that way. When we have a friend who shares our strong sense of empathy, we feel safe with them, and also understood.

#3 — A Tactful, Gentle Communication Style

Along with empathy, a tactful and gentle communication style is high on the list of ideal traits that we seek in a friend. INFJs and INFPs are usually very careful about how we word things to others, and we think deeply about how a communication might be received before we choose to interact. This is another trait we have that occurs within us so naturally that we often forget it is not the same for other people.

When we are faced with someone who has a blunt, aggressive, or unfeeling communication style, we might immediately withdraw into ourselves, and resolve not to share anything else. Sadly, many times the person with this kind of abrasive communication style doesn’t even notice that we’re not talking very much, or at all, and keeps right on rubbing us the wrong way, until we feel forced to end relations with that person entirely, or avoid them as much as possible. In contrast, someone we actually do want to be friends with is thoughtful about what they say, before they say it.

#4 — The Ability to Engage in Parallel Play

“Parallel play” is a term often applied to the activities of children, but it can also be just as well applied to adults. When two people engage in parallel play, they are having fun independently alongside each other, engaging in their own activities while staying near each other, but without interacting or cooperating. So, I’m on my laptop watching videos while you’re on the couch next to me playing your video game. Or, I’m on the couch reading while you’re in the kitchen two feet away experimenting with recipes. We are alongside each other, staying near each other, without getting into each other’s activities.

Parallel play is one of the most soothing forms of in-person connection that INFJs and INFPs can engage in with friends, and we usually only do it with people we feel extremely comfortable with and that we know extremely well. During parallel play, we are allowing the other person into our space and we are connecting with their energy, while also feeling like we can be in our own energy at the same time (usually as we are involved in some sort of recharging activity). For INFJs and INFPs, engaging in parallel play with someone is an indicator of super-strong trust in that person.

#5 — Interest in the Abstract and/or Metaphysical

INFJs and INFPs spend a lot of time nodding and smiling through surface-level conversations about concrete, trivial things that we don’t care about when we talk to most people. It is very difficult and very draining for us to focus our attention on talking about purely physical aspects of life, like how we can get a discount on our insurance plan, or where we should park the next time we go to a certain store, or what new building is going to replace an old building that we never noticed in the first place.

When we meet someone who wants to talk about the possibility of extraterrestrial life, views on reincarnation, or the energetic aspects of healing trauma, it truly does feel like finding an oasis in the desert. Our ideal friend feels just as nourished as we do by asking what-if questions and opening up multiple possibilities for the answers.

#6 — Acceptance of the Unconventional

Many INFJs and INFPs look unassuming, or even quite plain. However, our insides often do not match our outsides. We are some of the most unconventional thinkers to be found anywhere. Most INFJs and INFPs are very comfortable exploring their own shadow, the darker aspects the human psyche in general, and a motley assortment of fringe ideas. We also like to experiment with unconventional lifestyle choices that might raise a few eyebrows in mainstream society, and while we often keep these choices mostly to ourselves, we appreciate having friends who do not judge.

INFJs and INFPs love having friends who accept us for our unconventional selves, are non-judgmental in most, if not all, areas of life, and who are free thinkers and free spirits. We do the best with people who encourage us to fly our own unique freak flag, and not worry about what anyone else might think.

#7 — Intellectual and Spiritual Seekers

Most people are seeking security out of life. INFJs and INFPs are just seeking. Adventure, innovation, creative challenge, transcendence, tons of growth on every level, we’re seeking it all. We love pursuing big ideas and many of us feel deeply committed to pursuing our own unique spiritual path. We can pursue these things on our own — and often do — but what really feeds our soul is to find a fellow seeker who also cares deeply about the seeking itself.

When we find fellow seekers, we don’t feel as alone. Usually, it’s hard for the other people in our life to understand our need to constantly keep seeking for something that is out of our reach, and so we resign ourselves to not sharing this part of our nature with others. When we find someone who is on a similar wavelength, we gain more energy to walk our own path, and to keep seeking whatever it is we feel we need to find.

I talk about these kinds of topics for INFJs and INFPs every week in my email newsletter, and if you have a question about personality type, personal growth, or any other kind of wondering about life in general, you can send it my way and I’ll add it to my list of questions to be answered. You can sign up for my email newsletter here, and you can send your questions to lauren@laurensapala.com.