For INFJs and INFPs, Social Anxiety Is a Perfectionism Issue

INFJs and INFPs usually think their social anxiety is linked to being an introvert.

This comes from popular assumptions about what it means to be “introverted.”

Even with how far we’ve come with introvert awareness, many of us still subconsciously believe that all introverts have the same kind of aversion to social activities.

We may believe that:

Introverts are naturally shy.

Introverts only like a very few, very select people.

Introverts don’t know how to make small talk, have a fear of public speaking, and would rather not engage in any social events at all.

While these statements are true of some introverts, it’s not true for all of us.

For example, in my case:

I was shy as a child but I got more outgoing as I grew older.

I actually like the majority of people I meet. I only have a select few people in my close inner circle of friends, but I also enjoy engaging with a lot of people outside of that circle.

At this time in my life, I’m pretty good at small talk. I’m also fine speaking on stage, and I don’t mind social events when I have the energy and interest for them.

It’s when we buy into the popular assumptions about what it means to be introverted that we start believing something like social anxiety is normal for INFJs and INFPs.

But social anxiety doesn’t actually have much to do with being introverted.

What it does relate to is perfectionism.

Social anxiety comes from a fear of how other people will react to you.

You might be afraid that other people will:

Judge you.

Think you’re wrong (your opinions or just the way you are).

Dislike you.

Find you to be inadequate in some way.

For INFJs and INFPs who struggle with social anxiety, we usually have a strong subconscious belief that we need to know exactly how to respond, before we are even in the moment that calls for response from us.

So, we need to know exactly how to think, speak, and act before anything has even happened.

This need to be sure of how to do things, or how to be, before a situation has happened, is very common in people who struggle with severe perfectionism.

In other words, it’s not enough to be perfect. You must be perfect from the very beginning, before the moment has unfolded in time.

You must get ahead of time and beat it. You must be perfect right from the start.

This need to anticipate all possible outcomes — and somehow be prepared to meet all of them or any one of them — is an issue of control.

We are seeking to control:

The outcome of situations.

Our emotions and emotional responses.

The perception others hold of us (what other people think about who we are and what we’re doing).

And a billion other factors that might influence any or all of the above.

This is what we’re bringing to the table when we walk into a room with our social anxiety on full blast.

We need to feel perfect.

And we need to feel like everyone else sees us as perfect.

However, what happens in reality, and what any person who suffers from social anxiety can tell you, is that we end up feeling the exact opposite.

With social anxiety, we feel like every word out of our mouth is the wrong one. We feel like everyone is looking at us, everyone is judging us, and everyone is deciding that we are damaged, or defective, or wrong in some way.

What also happens with social anxiety is that we have a very hard time separating our thoughts from reality. So, it feels like our thoughts ARE reality.

We feel like everyone is judging us, so they must be.

We think we said the wrong thing, and so we must have done just that.

We assume we’re inadequate, and so everyone else must be assuming that too.

What’s interesting is that people with social anxiety (especially INFJs and INFPs) tend to be very empathetic, highly sensitive, and also intuitive. We usually have no problem seeing something from someone else’s point of view — until it comes to the view we hold of our own inadequacy. Then we get trapped in our beliefs and we don’t even realize that we’re locked into seeing the situation only through our own distorted lens.

When you’re caught in this kind of battle with social anxiety, there is a very particular strategy you need to use, and it’s not anything that you will find in the mainstream channels of self-help advice.

First, we need to move toward healing our own perfectionism.

INFJs and INFPs who struggle with severe perfectionism basically want to control everything about any situation they are in, in any given moment. So, the first step is to let go of control.

Stop expecting that you should know exactly what to say, before anyone has even asked you a question. Stop pre-planning and pre-scripting things. Trying to anticipate and prepare for all outcomes actually does not alleviate anxiety, it only adds to it.

Let yourself go in unprepared. Or, prepare, but prepare to be spontaneous. See what happens in the moment and let yourself respond as it is happening.

Second, use your natural skill with empathy and seeing all sides of a situation to see outside of your own thoughts.

You can either remind yourself that it’s not your business what other people think of you, or you can remind yourself of the simple fact that everyone else has problems of their own, and it’s highly likely that they’re not fixated on what you did, or didn’t, say at the party.

Whatever strategy you apply, connect back to reality by saying to yourself:

I actually DON’T know what other people are thinking.

Other people have many different feelings and needs that aren’t related to me at all.

It’s not my responsibility to manage other people’s reactions.

And finally, maybe the most powerful truth of all:

Most other people feel just as insecure as I do on the inside.

When we begin to work with perfectionism by untangling the way we’re approaching our own thoughts about our self-perceived “inadequacy,” that’s when we can finally start moving forward in relationships with other people…without the anxiety.

I talk about these kinds of topics for INFJs and INFPs every week in my email newsletter, and if you have a question about personality type, personal growth, or any other kind of wondering about life in general, you can send it my way and I’ll add it to my list of questions to be answered. You can sign up for my email newsletter here, and you can send your questions to lauren@laurensapala.com.