INFJs and INFPs and False Friends

Lauren Sapala
3 min readMar 18, 2024

INFJ personality types and INFP personality types often suffer from the same problem in interpersonal relationships. This problem manifests in the feeling of being smothered by the needs of other people, while simultaneously feeling very lonely and like no one truly sees us or understands us. INFJ personality types and INFP personality types are natural caregivers and adept at holding compassionate space for other people. These qualities draw people to us, and many people believe that they have a deeper bond with us than we do with them. It’s quite common for an INFJ personality type or an INFP personality type to be aware that another person considers them their “best friend,” and yet we don’t return the feeling.

The feeling of other people believing that they are closer with us than we feel to them can be extremely frustrating to INFJ personality types and INFP personality types, because we feel like we are doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship. We are frequently listening to the other person and counseling them about their life problems, however, they are not returning the favor. And in fact, the INFJ or INFP who is in a situation with someone like this usually does not want them to return the favor because we don’t feel secure enough with them to actually open up about our real feelings.

Almost all INFJ personality types and INFP personality types deal with this type of “false friend” relationship, where the connection is mostly surface-level and we don’t feel like we’re getting much out of it, but we continue on with the pretense because we don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings or risk their anger. In the long run, this can result in deep resentment for the INFJ personality type or the INFP personality type.

I talk more about this in the video below:

I’m teaching a new class focusing on issues like these for INFJs and INFPs. We’ll be learning how rescuing is not love or service to the world, but instead a dysfunctional coping strategy we use to earn self-worth. We’ll also be exploring how to begin to listen to our needs first, instead of everyone else’s needs before our own. The new class is called INFJ and INFP Life. It begins on Wed Mar 27 and runs for three weeks.

I got the inspiration to teach this class from my last class, in which so many INFJs and INFPs showed up with questions about how their high intuition and high sensitivity affects their relationships, creativity, and overall life. Finding out you’re an intuitive personality type — with all that means and all that comes with it — can be overwhelming to say the least, even for those who have known they’re intuitive for a long time. I’m hoping this class will shed light on some of the more hidden facets of being an intuitive personality type and also help bring people together to meet other intuitives.

Make sure you SUBSCRIBE to my newsletter HERE to get the next video in this series, and all the updates on when registration for INFJ and INFP Life opens, and please also SUBSCRIBE to my YouTube channel here to get more videos on life as an INFJ or INFP. If you have any questions about the class, you can send them to me here.

I’ll see you soon with the next video in this series: Do INFJs Attract Betrayal?

Lauren Sapala is the author of Writing on the Intuitive Side of the Brain, The INFJ Writer, The INFJ Revolution, and the creator of Energy and Intuition for INFJs, an online course for INFJs on intuition, relationships, creativity, and more. She is also currently offering a free copy of her book Firefly Magic: Heart Powered Marketing for Highly Sensitive Writers to anyone who signs up for her newsletter. SIGN UP HERE to get your free copy.

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Lauren Sapala

Writer. Writing Coach. Author of The INFJ Writer: Cracking the Creative Genius of the World’s Rarest Type. www.laurensapala.com