Truth: INFJs Are Not the Most Selfless Type

Yesterday I got a message from someone replying to a recent newsletter I sent out about the different types of INFJs.

This person said that they often doubted they were an INFJ at all because they didn’t seem to be “selfless” enough to be an INFJ.

I’ve gotten this message before from INFJs, all equally confused about the issue.

The problem is that, in the online MBTI scene, INFJs are frequently stereotyped to be a certain way, to look a certain way, and to act a certain way.

INFJs are commonly believed to be:

Selfless (this is probably the number-one assumed trait INFJs are thought to carry).

Compassionate.

Empathetic.

Deeply tuned into the emotions of others.

Invested in and concerned about the state of the world.

“Nice” (in all its different forms).

Generous.

Loving.

Sweet.

This is true of some INFJs. Some INFJs do have these traits, but the problem is that these are not objective traits that reflect someone’s function stack in the MBTI system. These are subjective traits that are formed according to the person’s environment, current circumstances, and personal choices.

They are also traits that we decide people have based on how we experience the person. So, one person might be experienced as “sweet” or “compassionate” by someone else, and then a third person has a totally different experience with them.

The INFJs who contact me and express doubts about being an INFJ because they think they are not “selfless enough” to be an INFJ usually point to what they see as a deficiency within themselves in relation to the traits listed above.

They are not “emotional enough,” or “nice enough” or “empathetic enough” to be an INFJ, they say. In fact, they often add, they are “too logical,” and “too cold,” and “too selfish.” They must be some other type…like an INTJ.

And this is where the myths about INTJs come into play.

Because INTJs are commonly believed to be:

Cold.

Solely focused on logic and being rational.

Selfish.

Unemotional.

Unexpressive.

Rejecting of other people.

Again, what we’re seeing in the list of traits above are subjective traits that are formed by circumstance and choice, and that we also conclude someone has based on our experience of them.

The problem is that many of the traits — in both the INFJ and the INTJ list — are behaviors. And behaviors have deeply personal reasons behind them. We behave in certain ways because we believe the behavior will have a desired outcome, and we usually believe that because it’s worked that way for us in the past. We acted in a certain way or did a certain thing before, and it led to something we wanted or needed. If it was something we badly wanted or needed, then we became more invested in that particular behavior, and we began to use it as a tool.

And this is where we see a lot of INFJs mistaking themselves for INTJs.

The truth is that INFJs and INTJs are actually very much alike. One of the big differences is that INFJs are focused on emotional harmony — in interpersonal relationships, in their home and environment, in their own minds, and in their lives. INTJs are focused on rational harmony — in the systems they use, in their home and environment, in their own minds, and in their lives.

Both types want harmony, but with a different need for what that kind of harmony should be.

What happens with INFJs who experience trauma, or who are forced to live in long-term situations with a lot of conflict and emotional chaos (which is a form of trauma), is that they will begin to suppress their emotional needs.

They will:

Disconnect from their emotions.

Stop seeking emotional sustenance from others.

Become extremely self-reliant.

Avoid closeness with others and bring a high level of distrust to all relationships.

Lean hard into the intellectual center (because they’ve detached so much from their emotional side) and present as very logical and very rational.

A disconnected, avoidant, emotionally cold person who is paranoid about getting close to others is NOT displaying the natural traits of an INTJ, which is what so many of these INFJs who are typing themselves as INTJ believe.

This kind of person could be ANY type. This is a person who has been emotionally starved and frightened for so long by other people that they have completely shut down and suppressed their natural open loving nature as a human being.

INTJs, in reality, are not cold emotionless robotic types who hate all other people and just want to be left alone to “mastermind” their plans of “taking over the world.” That’s a childish stereotype.

I personally know many INTJs, and I can tell you, they actually experience very intense emotions, and it’s important for them to have an outlet to express those emotions. However, they also consider emotions to be a highly private affair. In addition, the emotional realm is an area for them that needs to align with the “rational harmony” they are always seeking in every other area of life.

And this might sound odd coming from someone who writes so much on INF types, but I actually don’t believe it’s all that important that a person figures out what MBTI type they are. I hear from people all the time who say they sometimes type as an INFJ and sometimes as an INFP, or sometimes as an INFJ and sometimes as an INTJ. These people are usually very concerned to find an “expert” who can “officially type” what they are exactly. But nailing down your type and being certain about it only takes you so far in the personal growth journey.

It’s not that important whether you’re a feeling or a thinking type, and same with all the other functions. It can be helpful from a certain perspective as you go about learning how to meet your own needs, but it can also be very limiting if we’re trying to shove ourselves into a box and getting obsessed with why the box doesn’t exactly fit.

What IS important is that you see yourself as a unique human being, and you honestly take a look at how you’re doing relationships, how you’re feeling about your work, where you want to go in life, what you’re afraid of and why, and what you’re capable of and how you can grow.

If you’re frightened of most other people and you can’t trust anyone, that’s something to look at.

If you suppress all emotion and every single thing in your life has to be logical and have an airtight rational argument behind it before you’ll give it a chance, that’s something to look at.

If you’re emotionally reactive about everything, and when little things go wrong you spin out into total anxiety, that’s something to look at.

These aren’t personality traits. These are behaviors, and behaviors always have reasons behind them.

Start getting interested in finding out more about those reasons.

I answer questions like these every week in my email newsletter, and if you have a question about personality type, personal growth, or any other kind of wondering about life in general, you can send it my way and I’ll add it to my list of questions to be answered. You can sign up for my email newsletter here, and you can send your questions to lauren@laurensapala.com.